Listening to the end

This chapter puts the method together. It has four parts, and they follow the sequence of a single turn in a conversation.

Notice the reply arriving. You won't stop replies from forming. They arrive on their own, and chapter 2 explained that some advance planning is built into conversation. What you can do is notice the moment when one arrives. It has a recognisable feel. There's a little click of "I know what to say", followed by a slight leaning forward and a shift of attention from them to the gap. If you did the exercise in chapter 1, you've already begun to catch it. Noticing is most of the skill. Until you notice the reply, you're simply carrying it, and once you've noticed it you can decide what to do with it.

Put it down. Having noticed it, let it go. You don't need to suppress it or argue with it. Stop holding it. Tell yourself, "If it's worth saying, it'll come back." This is nearly always true. Advice and stories that matter don't evaporate in ninety seconds. If the fear of losing it is strong, as it may be in a meeting, write one word on a pad, and the thought will be safe there. Then return your attention to the person. It helps to have somewhere to put it. Listen for their exact words, and notice the word they choose for how they feel. Watch their face as well. You're now listening to find out what they'll say, which you couldn't do while you were waiting for them to finish.

You'll do this several times in a long turn. The reply comes back, you notice it again and put it down again. You shouldn't count that as failing. It's what the practice consists of, and it gets quicker.

Take the beat. When they stop, don't speak. Breathe in, or say a slow "Mm". Allow one or two seconds. During the beat, three things happen. They may carry on, and if they do, what they say is often the important part. You take in the last sentence, the one you used to miss. And your response has a chance to form from what they just said, where it used to come from what you'd prepared.

Make the first response about them. Whatever you say first should be about what they just said. It can be a follow-up, a reflection or an acknowledgement, as in the last chapter. It can be very short. This is the rule that does the most work, because it can't be obeyed without listening to the end. A person who knows that their first response has to pick up the last thing said finds that their attention goes there of its own accord.

It's worth saying what this method doesn't include. It doesn't include a listening face. You don't need steady eye contact, a tilted head, regular nods or a warm "mm-hm" every four seconds. The studies by Collins and colleagues in chapter 4 showed that people can produce all of those while attending to something else entirely, and that observers can't tell. Working on how attentive you look only makes you better at seeming to listen. The method here concerns where your attention is. If it's on their words, your face and voice will look after themselves, and you'll find yourself wincing and laughing in the right places without trying. Those are the specific responses that Bavelas found mattered to storytellers, and they come from following what's being said. They can't be put on.

After that, the conversation is open. Give your advice, if it's wanted. Tell your story, if it still fits, and disagree if you disagree. Nothing in this method limits what you contribute. It changes the order, so that their turn is fully heard before yours begins.

Here's how the Sunday call goes with the method applied. It's an example, and nobody's real phone calls are this tidy.

Hannah describes Beth, the boyfriend and the hot water. About twenty seconds in, the house meeting and Gareth arrive. You notice the click. You think, "Later, if at all," and go back to her voice. She says she tried to raise it and Beth got prickly. She says, "And honestly, I think it's getting to me more because everything's a bit much at the moment." She stops.

You take a breath. "Mm." A second passes. "What else is a bit much, love?"

There's a pause at her end, longer than yours. Then she says, "Tom and I have been having a rough time, actually."

The call lasts fifty minutes, and Gareth doesn't come up at all. Near the end, Hannah asks what you think she should do about Beth. You say, "You've already tried the direct route, so I wouldn't push that again yet. Could you suggest he chips in for bills, as a practical thing, and leave the rest?" She says that's not a bad idea.