Monologues, meetings and other hard cases

The method is simple. Some situations aren't, and I should be plain about them.

People who never stop. Some people talk in long unbroken stretches, and listening to the end would mean listening until Thursday. The method doesn't require you to be a captive. With a real monologuist, interrupting is legitimate, and you can do it kindly. "Can I stop you there a second, because I want to make sure I've got the first part." What the method does ask is that when you come in, it's with something about what they've said. You'll sometimes find that a person who goes on and on has never felt heard, and that one accurate reflection shortens them considerably. With others it doesn't, and you're allowed to have somewhere else to be.

Fast group conversations. In a lively group, or a meeting with a dozen people, a one-second beat will lose you your turn every time. Here some drafting is sensible. You can keep the spirit of the method even so. Jot your point down so you can stop holding it and listen. When you get the floor, connect to the last speaker before making your point. "Building on what Priya said about the timeline." If by the time you get the floor your point has been overtaken, let it go. A contribution that ignores the last ten minutes of discussion shows that you weren't following.

When you do need prepared points. In an interview, a negotiation or a difficult conversation you've asked for, you should come with things you intend to say. Prepare them beforehand and write them down. Because they're on paper, you're free to listen fully during the conversation itself. You can't prepare your points and listen properly in the same minute.

The phone and the second screen. Most of this book is about attention that's taken by your own reply. A good deal of half-listening today is attention taken by a device. The cost to the other person is the same or worse, since a screen is visible in a way that drafting isn't. If you're listening to someone while reading something else, you aren't taking in much of either.

Phone and video calls. On the phone there's no face to watch, and on a video call there's a slight delay, which makes the timing of turns harder. The beat matters even more here, because people talk over each other so easily. Sit down for calls that matter. Don't cook, drive or tidy during them. You can't see the other person's face on a call, so their tone of voice is doing extra work, and you'll only catch it if you're doing nothing else.

Hearing. I said in the preface that mishearing can pass for not listening, including to yourself. The NHS lists among the common signs of hearing loss difficulty hearing other people clearly, especially in noisy places, and needing to ask people to repeat themselves. If that's familiar, see a GP. People with untreated hearing loss often fall back on guessing and on doing most of the talking, because talking is easier than straining to hear. A hearing test is quick, and a change of habit won't help with a hearing problem.

ADHD and similar differences. For some people, holding attention on another person's speech is hard in a way that goes beyond habit, and the urge to speak before the thought is lost is very strong. If that's been true of you since childhood and across every part of your life, a GP can discuss assessment. Parts of this book may still help, particularly writing one word down so that the thought is safe. But please don't read your difficulty as a failure of caring.

When someone tells you something very heavy. Occasionally, when you start listening properly, someone will tell you something serious, such as a bereavement, a diagnosis or that they've been feeling hopeless. You don't need to fix it and you don't need training. You need to stay with them, not change the subject, and not rush to reassure. "I'm so glad you told me. Tell me more about it." If someone tells you they've been thinking of ending their life, take it seriously. Stay with them, and help them get same-day help through NHS 111, their GP, or 999 if they're in immediate danger.

Repairing things with someone who's stopped telling you. You may want to go to the person and explain that you've realised you've been a poor listener. A short version of that can be welcome. "I've noticed I jump in with advice a lot. I'm trying to do less of that." After that, show it in how you listen, and don't go on explaining. Ask an open question about their life and listen to the whole answer, and do the same the following week. It was many ordinary conversations that taught them to tell you less, and it will take a good many to change that.

Bad days. You'll be tired, or worried, or in a hurry, and you'll hear yourself launch into a story over the top of someone's last sentence. It happens to everyone who tries to change a long habit, and it doesn't undo what you've learned. You can often mend it on the spot. "Sorry, I cut across you. You were saying it's all been a bit much." People are nearly always pleased when you do that, and it shows them you're trying.