Why it stays in

Nobody decides to keep their good opinions to themselves. It isn't a policy. It's what happens by default when saying it would cost something and not saying it costs nothing you can see. It's worth being honest about what the drawer gives you, because a habit that gave you nothing wouldn't be a habit.

It gives you safety. A good thought kept in can't be misread, can't land badly, can't be laughed at and can't be thrown back. It gives you the evening without the squirm, which is real, and which arrives the moment you imagine opening your mouth. It gives you a relationship at the temperature it's already at, with nothing new to explain. It saves you the wording, which is work. It means nobody thinks you want something. And it keeps you as the person you think you are, which is somebody who doesn't gush.

Underneath those there's a set of beliefs, and they're the chapters that follow. That they already know. That it would be awkward. That you wouldn't know how to put it. That it would sound like flattery. That it's not your style. That they'd think you were after something. That it would go to their head. That they'd only brush it off. That the big things can wait for a big occasion. And that after this many years it would be strange to start. Each has something true in it, and each is doing the same job, which is making the drawer look like the only safe place for the thought.

I want to be clear about what this book isn't. It isn't about thanks. When someone does something for you and you say nothing, that's a different habit, and Thank them now is about it. This is about the opinion that has nothing to do with you, your dad's patience, the colleague's slides, the coat. Nobody did you a favour. You simply thought well of them, and the thought stayed where they couldn't see it.

The drawer is an answer to a real question, which is what happens if I say this and it goes wrong. This book isn't going to tell you the question is silly. It's going to look at what the research says about the answer, which turns out to be a lot less alarming than the guess. Then it'll look at what the drawer costs, you first and then them. And then it'll give you a way of saying the good thought that takes ten seconds and doesn't need you to become a different person.