Notes

These notes give the sources behind the claims in each chapter, and say where I'm giving my own interpretation. The book isn't medical advice. If a fear of social situations is affecting your life, your GP or an NHS talking therapies service is the place to start. The examples throughout, the school call, the slides, the garden, the coat on the platform, the sister with the customer, the father with the grandchildren and the funeral speech, are invented to illustrate and aren't drawn from real people.

Studies were checked on 26 September 2026 by reading their published abstracts. None was read in full, and none carried a retraction or correction notice at that date. Most are experiments with people in the United States or Canada, often students, and I've tried to say where I'm extending a finding to a kitchen it wasn't run in.

Chapter 1. No sources. The terms are the book's own.

Chapter 2. No sources. The earlier book referred to is Thank them now.

Chapter 3. Zhao and Epley, "Insufficiently complimentary?: Underestimating the positive impact of compliments creates a barrier to expressing them", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 121, 2021, pages 239 to 256. Nine experiments. The abstract doesn't say whether recipients were friends or strangers, and I haven't claimed either. The earlier book referred to is They can't read your mind. The reading of the result as a test of "they already know" is mine.

Chapter 4. Zhao and Epley, as above. Boothby and Bohns, "Why a simple act of kindness is not as simple as it seems: underestimating the positive impact of our compliments on others", Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 47, 2021, pages 826 to 840. Five studies. The claim that the squirm doesn't cross the room is my phrasing of their finding that givers' own anxiety drove the misprediction while third parties were accurate.

Chapter 5. Zhao and Epley, as above, for the competence and warmth gap and the fourth experiment on focusing on warmth. Boothby and Bohns, as above, for givers' concern about competence. The handwriting comparison and the standard for wording are mine.

Chapter 6. Vonk, "Self-serving interpretations of flattery: why ingratiation works", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 82, 2002, pages 515 to 526. Experiments on people being flattered compared with observers. The distinction between a report and a bid is mine, and the paper is not evidence that flattery is harmless or advisable.

Chapter 7. No research sources. The argument is mine.

Chapter 8. Dungan, Munguia Gomez and Epley, "Too reluctant to reach out: receiving social support is more positive than expressers expect", Psychological Science 33, 2022, pages 1300 to 1312. Four studies, 100 online adults, 120 students, 50 adult pairs and 300 adults. The practical notes are mine.

Chapter 9. Deci, Koestner and Ryan, "A meta-analytic review of experiments examining the effects of extrinsic rewards on intrinsic motivation", Psychological Bulletin 125, 1999, pages 627 to 668, published with commentaries. 128 studies. Positive feedback raised free-choice behaviour and self-reported interest, with effect sizes of about a third of a standard deviation. Bradler, Dur, Neckermann and Non, "Employee recognition and performance: a field experiment", Management Science 62, 2016, pages 3085 to 3099. The description is from the working paper abstract. The distinction between praise and a compliment is mine.

Chapter 10. Marigold, Holmes and Ross, "More than words: reframing compliments from romantic partners fosters security in low self-esteem individuals", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 92, 2007, pages 232 to 248. Three studies. The suggestion to ask a question after a brush-off borrows their manipulation and hasn't been tested as a conversational move.

Chapter 11. No research sources. The argument about the occasion is mine.

Chapter 12. Dungan and colleagues, as above. The earlier book referred to is Ring them first. The rest is mine.

Chapter 13. Epley, Kardas, Zhao, Atir and Schroeder, "Undersociality: miscalibrated social cognition can inhibit social connection", Trends in Cognitive Sciences 26, 2022, pages 406 to 418. A review. The plain-language versions of the three mechanisms and the archer are mine.

Chapter 14. Atir and Epley, "Fleeting generalization: how unstable belief updating keeps people overly pessimistic about talking to strangers", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 131, 2026, pages 422 to 443. Three longitudinal experiments on conversations with strangers. The extension to compliments is mine and is said to be.

Chapter 15. Boothby and Bohns, as above, for givers feeling better afterwards. Floyd, Mikkelson, Tafoya, Farinelli, La Valley, Judd and colleagues, "Human affection exchange: XIII. Affectionate communication accelerates neuroendocrine stress recovery", Health Communication 22, 2007, pages 123 to 132. A single lab study, sample size not given in the abstract. The NHS page "5 steps to mental wellbeing", at nhs.uk, read on 26 September 2026. The rest of the chapter is my reasoning.

Chapter 16. Algoe, Fredrickson and Gable, "The social functions of the emotion of gratitude via expression", Emotion 13, 2013, pages 605 to 609. Couples in a lab, followed for six months. The study is about expressed gratitude, and the extension to compliments is mine. The account of what the drawer does at the receiving end is mine.

Chapter 17. Sandstrom and Dunn, "Social interactions and well-being: the surprising power of weak ties", Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 40, 2014, pages 910 to 922. Three studies, correlational. The practical rule for strangers is mine.

Chapters 18 and 19. No research sources. The two-part shape and the hour are my method, and neither has been tested as a package.

Chapter 20. Mueller and Dweck, "Praise for intelligence can undermine children's motivation and performance", Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 75, 1998, pages 33 to 52. Six studies with fifth graders. Deci, Koestner and Ryan, as above, for the smaller effect of verbal reward on children, which is their finding, while the reason I suggest for it is my guess. The earlier book referred to is Thank them now.

Chapter 21. Bradler and colleagues, as above. Deci, Koestner and Ryan, as above. Everything else is my suggestion.

Chapter 22. Gollwitzer and Sheeran, "Implementation intentions and goal achievement: a meta-analysis of effects and processes", Advances in Experimental Social Psychology 38, 2006, pages 69 to 119, for the when-then form. Lally, van Jaarsveld, Potts and Wardle, "How are habits formed: modelling habit formation in the real world", European Journal of Social Psychology 40, 2010, pages 998 to 1009. 96 volunteers, 82 with usable data. The rule hasn't been tested as a package and what I say to expect is my expectation.

Chapter 23. The NHS page on social anxiety, at nhs.uk, read on 26 September 2026, for the description of symptoms, the advice to see a GP and self-referral to NHS talking therapies. The earlier book referred to is Go anyway. The other cases are my suggestions.

Chapter 24. Atir and Epley, as above. Lally and colleagues, as above. The extension from a missed day to a missed week is mine.

Looked up and not used. Kumar and Epley's 2018 experiments on letters of thanks are the evidence behind Thank them now and aren't re-cited here, though they point the same way. Kille, Eibach, Wood and Holmes, "Who can't take a compliment?", Journal of Experimental Social Psychology 2017, had no abstract available to me and isn't cited. Lambert and colleagues 2010 on expressing gratitude to a partner, and Williams and Bartlett 2015 on a note of thanks from a stranger, belong to the thanks habit and are used in the earlier book. Aknin, Sandstrom, Dunn and Norton 2011 on spending money on close and distant ties came up in the search and isn't relevant.