Which invitations to turn down

This book is called Go anyway, and the title needs a limit. I don't think you should go to everything. A life with no refusals in it is exhausting, and saying yes to things you don't want is a habit with costs of its own. What you need is a way to tell an honest no from a nervous one. The test and the list below are my own.

Ask one question. "If I could be certain of feeling comfortable there, would I want to go?"

If the answer is no, then nerves aren't the reason. You don't want to go, and you wouldn't want to go if you were the most confident person alive. Here are some honest reasons. You don't much like the people. You're truly worn out, which isn't the same as dreading it. You can't afford it. You've a prior commitment that's real. The event is built around something you don't do, such as heavy drinking. Someone will be there who treats you badly. Crowded, noisy rooms overwhelm you for reasons that have nothing to do with fear of people. Or you'd simply rather spend the evening another way.

In all those cases, decline, promptly and truthfully. "Thanks for asking, I won't be able to come" is a complete reply. You don't need to invent a problem at home.

If the answer is yes, nerves are what stand between you and something you want. That's the habit, and that's when the rule in chapter 18 applies.

If the answer is "I'm not sure", look at the evidence from your body. An invitation you don't care about produces a shrug when it arrives. One that matters to you, and that you're frightened of, produces the weight. The weight is an uncomfortable sign, but it tells you that you care how the evening goes. It tends to be strongest before the events that matter most to you.

Two more points about refusing. First, when you do decline, do it at the start. A no on the day the invitation arrives costs the host nothing. A cancellation the afternoon before costs them a place at the table and sometimes money. It also costs you four days of dread that you needn't have had. Second, you're allowed a few nervous refusals. There'll be weeks when you've nothing left, and one evening in won't undo your progress. What matters is that going is your default when you wanted to go, and that staying in is something you chose for a reason you could say aloud.