Getting through the door

The hardest part of any event is the stretch from the pavement to your first conversation. Most of the dread is about those ten minutes, and the ten minutes are nearly always the worst part of the evening. This chapter is about making them easier. It's my own set of suggestions, built on the research in earlier chapters and on the NHS's advice to break down challenging situations into smaller parts.

Reply quickly, and say yes. The longer an invitation sits on the fridge, the more rehearsal it collects. If chapter 15's question gives a yes, reply the same day. Then put it in the calendar and tell someone you're going, so that backing out means an awkward conversation.

Cut down the rehearsing. Hinrichsen and Clark's work in chapter 5 showed that picturing how badly it will go produces the dread. You won't stop the pictures arriving. When you notice one, you can turn to something practical about the evening. Think about what you'll wear, how you'll get there, and what time you'll leave. Planning of that kind is useful, where picturing yourself blushing isn't.

Arrive near the start. This is the opposite of the late-arrival prop, and I think it's the most useful tactic in the chapter. At ten past six the pub has five people in it. The host is free and pleased to see you. Conversations haven't formed yet, so there are no closed circles to break into. By seven, when the room is full, you're already in a group and newcomers are joining you. If you arrive at seven, you walk in alone and have to find a way into a circle that's already formed.

Know your first three minutes. Decide in advance who you'll go to first. Usually that's the host or the person whose occasion it is. Decide on your opening line, which can be as plain as "Congratulations, how are you feeling about it all?" That gets you over the threshold with something to do.

Carry three questions. They needn't be clever. "How do you know her?" works at any party. "What have you got planned for the summer?" works most of the year. At a leaving do you can ask "What will you miss least about this place?" Questions point your attention outward, which chapter 8 said matters most.

Have something in your hand. A drink of any kind gives your hands something to do. It needn't be alcoholic.

Give it an hour. This matters a good deal, and here's the reasoning. Nerves are highest as you walk in. If you stay, they come down, usually a long way. Clinicians who treat anxiety explain this by saying that the body doesn't keep an alarm running at full strength when nothing bad is happening. If you leave after fifteen minutes, you leave while they're still high, and what you've learned is that it was as bad as you feared and escape fixed it. If you stay an hour, you leave when they're low, and you learn that it got easier. The figure of an hour is my own choice. After that, go home whenever you like.