"I'm just tired"

Of all the reasons for cancelling, this is the one you're most likely to believe yourself. It's Thursday, it's been a long week, and the thought of standing in a pub making conversation is exhausting. Rest seems like what you need.

Sometimes it is. But there's a simple observation that separates tiredness from dread, and you can make it the next time you cancel. Watch what happens to your energy in the half hour after you send the excuse.

If you were tired, you'd still be tired. Tiredness doesn't care whether you have plans. You'd go home, eat something, and be asleep by ten.

What usually happens is different. Within minutes of sending the message you feel lighter. You've got energy for the walk home. You might cook something proper, or stay up late watching a series. The exhaustion has gone, and you haven't rested at all. The only thing that's changed is the plans.

Exhaustion that disappears as soon as the event is cancelled was the dread, as far as I can see. This is my own reasoning, but I think it's sound. The weight described in chapter 1 drags on you, and being braced against something for four days is tiring in a real way. Your body's report that you're worn out is accurate. It's wrong about the cause, and so it's wrong about the cure. Resting doesn't remove the weight. It lifts when you cancel, and it would also have lifted after half an hour at the event, when the dread found nothing to feed on.

There's a second test, which is to ask what you'd do with the same tiredness if the evening were something you had no nerves about. Suppose your closest friend rang and said, "I'm outside, come for one drink." If you'd go, tired as you are, then tiredness isn't the obstacle.

I don't want to overstate this. People with demanding jobs, small children or health problems really do run out of energy, and an evening at home can be what they need. Chapter 15 counts being truly worn out as an honest reason to decline. But when you hear yourself saying you're too tired, check whether the tiredness would survive a cancellation. If it would, stay home, and say so truthfully at the start and not on the day.

One more thing is worth knowing. Many people find that a social evening they dreaded leaves them with more energy than it took. You'll sometimes come home at ten more awake than you left, having laughed and talked. I can't promise that, and introverts may find it less often than others. But if you've been treating every event as a drain on your energy, it's worth checking that against a few actual evenings. The log in chapter 17 has room for it.