Before you start

This is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit. Someone invites you to something, such as drinks, a birthday or a dinner. Part of you would like to go. Then the nerves start, and they build, and at some point you send a message saying you can't make it after all. You feel better at once. By nine o'clock you feel worse. When the next invitation comes, the nerves are worse than they were this time.

I'm going to argue three things. The first is that staying in makes sense from the inside. The nerves are unpleasant and real, and the message makes them stop. The second is that the relief of cancelling is what keeps the habit going and makes it grow. The dread you feel beforehand tells you very little about how the evening would go. Other people can see far less of your nervousness than you think. And the things you do to get through an evening mostly make it harder. The third is practical. When the only reason to say no is nerves, you say yes, you go, and you stay at least an hour. Chapters 15 to 18 cover how.

This book doesn't say you should accept everything. Some invitations deserve a no, and chapter 15 is about telling them apart. It doesn't say you should become the life and soul of anything. If you like a quiet life and you're content in it, you don't have this habit and you don't need this book.

Three cautions.

Social anxiety can be more than nerves. The NHS describes social anxiety disorder as a long-term and overwhelming fear of social situations, one that affects everyday activities, self-confidence, relationships and work. It says it's a good idea to see a GP if you think you have it, especially if it's having a big impact on your life. It also says that for many people it doesn't go away without treatment. If that description fits, read this book by all means, and see someone as well. Chapter 19 says more.

If you've lost interest in seeing people because you've lost interest in most things, and your mood has been low for a couple of weeks or more, that may be depression, and the first step is a GP.

And if you stay away from certain gatherings because someone there treats you badly, or because the evening revolves around drinking and you're trying not to, that isn't nerves. Staying away in those cases is sound judgement, and nothing here is meant to talk you out of it.

The notes at the back give my sources and their limits. Where I'm giving my own reasoning and not a finding, I'll say so.