Go anywayConfidence

unbry

Go anyway

A short book about turning down invitations because of nerves, which makes the next invitation harder

22 chapters11,765 wordsAbout 53 minFirst edition

What's inside

·Before you startThis is a short book and you can read it in two or three sittings. It's about one habit. Someone invites you to something, such as drinks, a birthday or a…2 min
1Twenty to five on a ThursdayIt's twenty to five on a Thursday, and you've been composing a message for ten minutes. Tomorrow at six there are leaving drinks for a colleague at the…3 min
2Why staying in seems sensibleI don't want to start by telling you to pull yourself together. People have probably said something like it to you before, and if it worked you wouldn't…2 min
3"I'll feel better if I don't go"You will. That's the difficulty. If cancelling made you feel worse straight away, the habit would never have formed. Look closely at the sequence on…2 min
4"It's getting harder, so I must be getting worse"A year ago you went to most things, with some nerves. Now a drink round the corner feels like an ordeal. It's natural to read that as a change in you. You…2 min
5"The dread is telling me how bad it will be"By Thursday the dread was strong, and you took its strength as a forecast. If you felt this bad on Thursday, the evening itself was surely going to be…2 min
6"I'm just tired"Of all the reasons for cancelling, this is the one you're most likely to believe yourself. It's Thursday, it's been a long week, and the thought of…2 min
7"Everyone will see I'm nervous"Much of the dread is about being seen. You picture your red face, your shaking hand on the glass and the pause before you answer, and you assume these are…2 min
8"I never know what to say"In the imagined version of Friday, someone turns to you and asks what you've been up to, and your mind goes white. This does sometimes happen. It's worth…2 min
9"I've got my ways of getting through it"When you do go to things, you have methods. Perhaps you arrive forty minutes late so that the room is full and nobody notices you come in. You might stay…2 min
10"I'm just an introvert"You may have settled on this as the explanation. You're an introvert. Introverts find company draining and need time alone. So staying in is simply you…2 min
11"I'll go when I feel more confident"This is the most reasonable-sounding form the habit takes. You're not refusing for ever. You're waiting until you feel up to it. You'll go to things again…2 min
12"They won't miss me"It's a comforting thought when you're writing the excuse. There'll be thirty people there. Nobody will notice one fewer. Your colleague will be surrounded…2 min
13"I went last time and it was awful"Sometimes the case for staying in rests on evidence. You did go to the last one. You said something clumsy to someone's husband, there was a silence, and…2 min
14What staying in costsYou may think of the habit as costing the odd missed night out. I think it costs more than that. Most of this chapter is my own reckoning. Friendships.…2 min
15Which invitations to turn downThis book is called Go anyway, and the title needs a limit. I don't think you should go to everything. A life with no refusals in it is exhausting, and…2 min
16Getting through the doorThe hardest part of any event is the stretch from the pavement to your first conversation. Most of the dread is about those ten minutes, and the ten…2 min
17While you're there, and afterwardsYou're through the door and you've said hello to the host. This chapter covers the rest of the evening and the twelve hours after it, which matter as…3 min
18The decisionThis chapter asks you to decide something. It comes late because at the start it would have sounded like being told to try harder. By now you've seen what…3 min
19Weddings, strangers and cancelling on the dayWhen it's a big formal occasion. Weddings and the like are long, structured and full of people you don't know. They're also easier than they look, because…4 min
20Twenty to five againIt's twenty to five on a Thursday in June. There's a summer party tomorrow for the whole building, on the roof terrace, from half past five. You said yes…2 min
·NotesThis book gives general information. It isn't medical or psychological advice, and it's no substitute for a GP or a therapist who knows you. The NHS…5 min