Weddings, strangers and cancelling on the day

When it's a big formal occasion. Weddings and the like are long, structured and full of people you don't know. They're also easier than they look, because the structure does a lot of the work for you. There's a ceremony to watch, a meal with a seat that's been chosen for you, and speeches to listen to. There's also a standard first question, which is how you know the couple. Break it into parts, as the NHS suggests, and think only about the part you're in. The hour rule doesn't fit a wedding, so set a different minimum, such as staying until the speeches are over.

When you won't know anyone. This is the hardest case and the one where arriving early matters most. Find the host and ask them to introduce you to one person. Hosts like being asked to do this. Failing that, look for someone else standing alone, who'll be as glad of company as you are. The question about how they know the host works on anyone.

When everyone will be drinking and you won't be. Hold a soft drink that looks like any other drink. If anyone asks, say "I'm not drinking tonight", and you needn't explain further. If the whole point of the evening is getting drunk, that's an honest reason to decline under chapter 15.

When you're coming back after a long gap. If it's been a year or more since you went to anything, start at the very bottom of the ladder. Have a coffee with the friend you find easiest, for forty-five minutes, somewhere quiet. After that, see two people. After that, try a small gathering. A couple of weeks at each step is plenty. You may find, as many people do, that your friends are simply glad to see you and don't ask for an explanation of the gap.

When the invitations have stopped coming. Chapter 12 described how this happens. People stopped asking out of consideration, so they need to be told that things have changed. Pick one or two friends and say it plainly. "I've been bad at coming to things, and I'd like to be asked again." It's an easier sentence to say than it looks, and friends are usually touched by it. Then do some inviting yourself. Ask one person for a coffee, or ask two people round. Invitations tend to go to people who also give them.

When your partner is the sociable one. It can help and it can hinder. It hinders if you use them as a prop all evening. Agree beforehand that you'll arrive together and then separate for a while, and that there'll be a signal if either of you really wants to go. Ask them not to answer for you or rescue you from pauses.

When you're the host. Hosting frightens many people with this habit, yet it's often the easier role. You've got jobs to do and a reason to move between people, and you're on home ground. Start with two or three guests.

When you want to cancel on the day. This is when the habit is strongest, and it's the moment the rule is for. The dread peaks in the last few hours. It will offer you reasons. You're tired, you've a bit of a headache, and it's raining. Ask whether you'd have accepted any of those as a reason to miss something you were looking forward to. If you're actually ill, stay home. Otherwise the feeling that you can't face it is the dread you were expecting. Get dressed, go, and start your hour.

When it's a friend who keeps cancelling on you. You now know what's probably going on. Don't stop asking, and don't make a joke of it in front of others. Ask them to something small and short, tell them who'll be there, and say you'd really like them to come. If they cancel, reply kindly and ask again in a few weeks.

When you slip. Some afternoon you'll send the excuse, and the relief will come, and then the flat evening. Don't read it as proof that you can't change. One cancelled evening doesn't undo the ones you attended. Write down what happened in the hours before you cancelled, because there's usually a pattern, such as a bad day or a long stretch of rehearsing. Then say yes to the next thing, and make it soon and small.

When it's more than nerves. Go back to the NHS's description in the preface. It lists worrying about everyday activities, avoiding social activities or worrying a lot about them, always fearing you'll do something embarrassing, and finding it hard to do things when others are watching. It also lists physical symptoms such as feeling sick, sweating, trembling or a pounding heartbeat. If that's a fair picture of your life, self-help may be a useful first step, which is the NHS's own view, but it's unlikely to be enough. The NHS says it's a good idea to see a GP, and that you can also refer yourself directly to an NHS talking therapies service.

The treatments work. Evan Mayo-Wilson and colleagues pooled 101 trials with more than thirteen thousand participants. One-to-one cognitive behavioural therapy had the largest effect of any treatment, psychological or medical, and the authors recommended it as the first choice. Guided self-help based on the same principles also did better than waiting, and so did certain antidepressants. The NHS's summary is that CBT is generally considered the best treatment. It's largely a structured, supported version of what this book describes. It's done with someone who knows how to pace it and who can help with the parts a book can't reach.

If your mood is very low, or you have thoughts of harming yourself, ask for an urgent GP appointment or call 111.